My best life?

It’s 4 am and I should be sleeping. But im not. I’m making the same paracord knot over and over again in different colors. Like maybe one color was meant for this knot and I just haven’t found it yet.

And im plotting my revenge. Im always plotting my revenge. Playing out the whole story line in my head on repeat. That’s what keeps me awake. Not what one might assume would keep one awake. Just me and my own crazy thoughts.

I do all this plotting knowing that I’ll play the movie in my head and start all over again. And that’s as far as it will go. To actually bring all that out of my head and place it into real life isn’t something I care anything about doing.

I should probably just get over it. Move on. Live my best life. 🙄 I hate cliches. And some days I think I might get over it. And then it only takes one tiny thing, something nobody else would ever notice, to remind me. And in those moments I know I won’t get over it. Ever.

There are moments I’ve looked forward to for almost 17 years that I’m missing entirely. And it doesn’t bother anyone but me. I create this hell I live in. 4 weeks could have changed the game entirely.

So I’m left with alot of cynicism, a whole lot of anger, a whole lot of bitterness and mostly just a heavy sadness. And I dont want to be told it’ll be ok and it’ll get better and look at the bright side. I dont want to talk about it period. Makes me want to 🤢.

Im alive but im dead. My emotions have changed. I dont feel alot of them. Only the heaviness. Some days I can’t breathe at all. I go through the motions and I don’t care if things get done or not.

And it’s all brought me to this point.. im going to write a book. My entire life wrapped up in a seemingly fiction novel. Raw and real. Maybe that will calm some of the craziness in my head. Maybe it won’t.

Why a book, I dont know. It’s just what came to mind. And it’s all I think about it. I feel like I need to hurry up and do it. Like it’s urgent. Which is silly I know.

If you’re reading this and you enjoy reading fiction that isn’t really fiction at all, stayed tuned. And don’t forget to get out there and live your best life!🙄🤪😁