Surviving Us

Hello, im that girl. That girl that can’t quite figure herself out. I’m that girl that loves with all she has & expects the same in return yet will accept less if that’s all the other person has to give. I’m that girl that will crawl out of bed in the middle of the night & go to the store ..pjs & all.. to get a candy bar you think you must have right then. I’m that girl that doesn’t take anything from anyone, I’ll lay it right back on them. Unless it’s one of those people I love. Those people can play an old school game of kickball with my heart without any kind of fight from me. I’m that girl that is going to cry no matter what. Happy, sad, mad, unsure of my mood. Doesn’t matter. There will be tears. I’m that girl that wants to go all Michael Myers on some people because I have that much rage built up. Yet I dare you to look at them wrong unless you want that rage turned in your direction. I am that girl who was that addict who hates that once an addict always an addict mentality. As much as I hate cliches, we do recover. I’m that pentecostal preacher’s daughter who is way more like the preacher than the preacher’s wife. I will tell you just exactly what I think & why. I’m that girl that doesn’t always live like she’s supposed to but comes to life in church and wishes hypocrites & fake people didn’t ruin the house of God for so many. I’m that girl that would rather write as to breathe but can’t always find the time & when I can find the time I sometimes get confused myself the way I bounce around. I’m that girl who could care less about what anyone thinks of her, yet seeks the approval of those she cares for most. I’m that girl with the broken heart that I keep tucked away out of sight. My pain is my own. I’m that girl that gets excited about fuzzy socks, Reeses peanut butter, cold rain, thunderstorms, gel pens & a coloring book, baby Yoda or Welch’s grape fruit snacks, random road trips for no reason, simple things most people pay no attention to. A mess, all day eer’day. And not even a hot one 🙃. That’s me. I’m that girl.

Who are you?

It’s 4 am and I should be sleeping. But im not. I’m making the same paracord knot over and over again in different colors. Like maybe one color was meant for this knot and I just haven’t found it yet.

And im plotting my revenge. Im always plotting my revenge. Playing out the whole story line in my head on repeat. That’s what keeps me awake. Not what one might assume would keep one awake. Just me and my own crazy thoughts.

I do all this plotting knowing that I’ll play the movie in my head and start all over again. And that’s as far as it will go. To actually bring all that out of my head and place it into real life isn’t something I care anything about doing.

I should probably just get over it. Move on. Live my best life. 🙄 I hate cliches. And some days I think I might get over it. And then it only takes one tiny thing, something nobody else would ever notice, to remind me. And in those moments I know I won’t get over it. Ever.

There are moments I’ve looked forward to for almost 17 years that I’m missing entirely. And it doesn’t bother anyone but me. I create this hell I live in. 4 weeks could have changed the game entirely.

So I’m left with alot of cynicism, a whole lot of anger, a whole lot of bitterness and mostly just a heavy sadness. And I dont want to be told it’ll be ok and it’ll get better and look at the bright side. I dont want to talk about it period. Makes me want to 🤢.

Im alive but im dead. My emotions have changed. I dont feel alot of them. Only the heaviness. Some days I can’t breathe at all. I go through the motions and I don’t care if things get done or not.

And it’s all brought me to this point.. im going to write a book. My entire life wrapped up in a seemingly fiction novel. Raw and real. Maybe that will calm some of the craziness in my head. Maybe it won’t.

Why a book, I dont know. It’s just what came to mind. And it’s all I think about it. I feel like I need to hurry up and do it. Like it’s urgent. Which is silly I know.

If you’re reading this and you enjoy reading fiction that isn’t really fiction at all, stayed tuned. And don’t forget to get out there and live your best life!🙄🤪😁

I’m not a very social person. I dont like large crowds or small crowds. You won’t find me in the middle of the crowd chit-chatting about nonsense or stocking up on the latest gossip. You’ll find me off to the side, out of the way, appearing to be lost in my own little world. But im not. I’m paying attention. I know what’s going on around me. Im an observer. I watch and I listen.

Which is what I was doing recently when I noticed someone with zero experience telling someone with years of experience exactly what and how they were going to go about something. And it was nothing to me but it got ahold of my last nerve and was swinging from it. People.

What gives someone the right to dictate another’s life? What gives any person the right to make another person’s choices for them? Know it all’s, bullies, dictators, people who just walk around with the assumption that they know the only way to do anything the right way.

It may seem small. As small as how to make sweet tea. Or how you should fold your towels. If you’re letting someone tell you how to fold a towel or boil some water and throw some tea bags in they are already in control and those small things will become the bigger things. Telling someone what they can wear, who they can be friends with, what they can eat, where they can go.

It creates a feeling of unworthiness in a person. An “I’m never going to be good enough” cloud settles over them. If you’ve ever known someone who is driving down the road or just doing a simple everyday task and all of a sudden they are sobbing uncontrollably like their heart has been ripped out, chances are someone has told them who they can be.

Who do you think you are? To tell someone what kind of wife or mother they can be? What kind of career they must have? How much they should weigh?

So what if someone doesn’t do something you’re way or in the amount of time you think it should be done in. That doesn’t mean they are doing it wrong or that it’s not going to get done. And it sure doesn’t mean you can belittle or degrade them and make them feel worthless or take away the thing they love the most. If it’s someone you love, well then you ought to be ashamed. If it’s someone you don’t know, mind your own business.

If this seems all over the place and doesn’t make complete sense I apologize. It made sense to me🤷🏻‍♀️

Because I know such people and I know that someone that walks around broken. Seriously, who do you think you are??

If you listen closely wherever you are you will be surprised how many times you hear someone say the word why. It’s a common word. A word I think people use frequently without even realizing they have.

It’s become one of my least favorite words. It annoys me to no end. I would like to reach up into my brain, or whatever fills the space between my ears, and remove it permanently.

Why is the color purple called purple and not yellow? I mean what caused it to be purple?? Why do they sell packs of 10 hotdogs and packs of 8 buns? You have no idea how insane that makes me. Why is the sky the sky and the ground the ground and not the other way around?

Why does McDonald’s assume one sauce is enough for 10 nuggets? Why do birds chirp and tweet and carry on? All. The. Time. Why are some people millionaires without ever working a day in their life? Why do some people struggle at dead end jobs all their lives and never get ahead?

Why can’t I get my pillow positioned the same every day? Why is cheesecake fattening? Why not broccoli instead? Why can’t I remember why I walked into the next room? Why wasn’t Reese’s peanut butter a thing years ago?

Why do some people have to be right no matter what? I know a few who would most likely rather eat razor blades than to be wrong. Why do some people assume they know what’s best for you? Why do people condemn you for things they are guilty of as well?

Why do those we love the most cut us the deepest? Why do we have to have summer? I find it pointless and dreadful. Why can’t I get paid to sleep?

Why am I here? Why do I care? Why am I writing this? Why are you reading it? Why is there no off switch in my mind?

Why ask why???????

I’m sitting on the porch tonight. I’d like to say it’s because I love the outdoors or it’s quiet and peaceful or some of that such nonsense. But that’s not me and I’d be lying. I’m on the porch because I heard a racket and had to put my ninja on and grab my stick and head out. Turned out to be a cat wrestling my cactus 🌵 🐈. Ouch.

So, I sat down to talk to the cat. Yep, I talk to the cat. Cats are very good listeners and some of them will even talk back and give you reassurance. Try it sometime. You’ll see I’m not just crazy.

Anyway, the wind. Thats where I was going with this. Something about the way its blowing took me to another time and place. So very long ago. I felt as if I was actually there. I could hear the voices, particularly a laugh that I know all too well. I could smell a strangely familiar scent. I could see and touch things as if I had been beamed over by Scotty.

This little trip I took started my wheels to spinning. What happens to people? People you become friends with, people you are related to, or are in a relationship with. When it’s good it’s good. Its always good in the beginning. Isn’t it? I’m not so sure. You think it is. But if it were really ever that good would it be possible for them to hurt you or turn on you? If you really truly love someone how do you get to a point where you can break them and live with yourself?

And when it’s not fixable and you go your separate ways and days pass and turn into months and years, are you supposed to wonder about them? Do you miss them or do you simply hope someone has made them as miserable as they made you? What’s the rule on that? What do you do with broken lives and broken hearts? What if you hate them? No, we aren’t supposed to hate. But if im being honest, I do. I think anyone who says they don’t hate probably should check their britches because they are most likely on fire.

This little trip in my mind made me somewhat sad. Almost panicked me. Sometimes I wish memory erasure was a real thing. If you’re wondering when I’m going to get to the point, I’m not. I don’t have one. I did make it a point not to stay there In those memories. I came on back to the porch. Those days are over. Get back in the house silly girl. It’s only the wind.

I was getting gas today and I saw a lady trying to herd 3 kids out of the store and into the backseat of a Kia Rio. Are you serious right now? They were girls. Pretty little girls that looked like stair steps. It took me back. So far back, because let’s face it, I am old. Being the oldest of 3 girls I immediately sympathized with the oldest girl who was telling her mama she was not getting into that backseat with those 2 brats 🤣🤣. The one who was obviously the “middle” sister was screeching at the youngest who was consistently poking her not even phased by all the racket. Their mama was just standing there with her eyes closed. Im not sure if she was trying to catch a quick nap, trying to make herself invisible or praying. Either way, I was amused. I am that oldest sister, and yes I’m sure I called my sisters brats once or twice. And the backseat thing..oh my. Daddy had a 2 door Chevy Cavalier that was packed tight once we all got in. And if my sisters weren’t talking to me they were touching me. Or laying over on me. And I could not stand it. I wanted to jump out the window, only the backseat windows didn’t roll down 🤷🏻‍♀️🤯. For 13 years I lived with one little brat. For 8 years I lived with two little brats. Brats who followed me around and constantly needed to know what i was doing and insisting they do it too. Those brats though, are my sisters and they are my heart. We all are the same but different. If that makes any sense. I would have stopped living a long time ago if I didn’t have them. You have to be me I suppose for that to make sense. I think differently than others. They are my lifeline. Even when they dont know it. And those 3 girls who are being pretty defiant about getting into that backseat have no idea that they are going to love each other unconditionally all their lives and there will be moments when they wish they were in that backseat again with nonstop chatter in their ear and a head on their shoulder. They will miss this.

And I have no clue when this gas pump stopped or what these people behind me are looking at, but I paid to be here. I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.

73 degrees at 6:48 pm in late March. There’s been pizza and basketball, and now we are gathered in the backyard. There’s a fire pit with a fire that’s reluctant to burn. But the fire keeper is persistent. Someone is making ninja sounds. Several random songs being sung at one time. Two people broke out into the same song at at same time at one point. Bugs flying up noses 🤣. Marshmallows on fire. Smore’s a making. The fire will cause a wave of sleepiness. The chocolate will counteract it with wild chaos. That will be fun for the mama with the toddler. 😁

There is laughter, and we are family. All is right with the world in this moment.

Short and to the point. Make time for these things. Make time for your people. While you can. ❤

Febreeze is to blame for the chaos in my mind right now. They have a new scent. Paradise.

Webster’s dictionary defines paradise as an intermediate place or state where the souls of the righteous await resurrection and the final judgement and/or a place or state of bliss, felicity, or delight.

Biblically the original paradise was the Garden of Eden. Paradise was mentioned several times in the bible. My favorite being Luke 23:43 And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.

There are songs about paradise. You hear places referred to as paradise on earth. I believe there is a Paradise, California as well as a Paradise, Nevada.

What I want to know is how in the world does anyone know what paradise smells like? When we get to Heaven is it gonna smell like the Febreeze paradise scent? I know there are other scents out there, candles, body washes and such, with paradise in the name. How do these people know????

I mean what does the color green smell like? And no I don’t mean what does it smell like when you sniff the crayon. I know what you were thinking. Things like that throw my mind into something resembling duck duck goose. Thoughts running around in circles tagging the next one. It’s non-stop.

Maybe Eve caught the scent of paradise in a bottle before she was banished and it was handed down and duplicated over the years. You never know.

When he just gets up and starts putting clothes on, I’ve learned to just follow. It takes me longer because I don’t like the way my clothes fit me and I have to at least have my eyeliner on. So I go into flight of the bumblebee mode. Which usually actually end up in some sort of disaster because I don’t do well when I’m rushed. I drop things, spill things, knock things over. I become the world’s biggest klutz.

However we finally make it into the car and head out. First thing he says is “Where’m I goin?” I mean I have no clue where you’re going, I was just following your lead is what goes through my head. After some discussion that doesn’t really classify as discussion we head towards Knoxville. And eventually land in Gatlinburg. Or is it Pigeon Forge that comes first? My sense of direction would provoke Fred Sanford to call me dummy.

When we got off the interstate I spotted the flea market and it had to happen. And since he loves me he hit the first gas station and started backtracking to the flea market. There is no red light where we had to turn off and it was crazy crowded. No wonder it takes all day to get somewhere there. It was ok i suppose. I have a thing for coins and i couldn’t get to the loose coins because some guy had set up camp there. Seriously dude, my million dollar coin might have been in there. I did come out with some Victoria’s Secret body wash I’ve been looking for. So not a total bust.

It took a good 30 minutes to get out of there but we are finally back on the road. I noticed that driving down through there one of us said the name of every restaurant or store we passed. Is that crazy? Does anyone else do that? We aren’t exactly normal so I never know. But that being said, who decides what’s normal anyways? 🙂

We ended up at The Loco Burro after 2 hours. Legit. Two hours to drive that far. I considered jumping out of the car a time or two. I’d have gotten there faster on foot. But I’d have needed an oxygen tank and I just don’t take one of those with me everywhere I go. The food was good but it was not El Pueblito by no means. I guess because that is our go to Mexican restaurant I think all Mexican restaurant’s food should look and taste the same. They did have a killer strawberry margarita. Yep. You read that right. I ain’t perfect and they tend to go hand in hand with Mexican food.

There was some girl taking pictures of people at their tables. And if you know me you know I’m all about a camera. So like I’m about to flag her down if she doesn’t come our way. But she does and she takes our picture and then she tells Adam “kiss your lady on the cheek”……….and I swear he just leans over and does it. If I had said “hey babe, kiss me on the cheek and let me take our picture” that is not the response I would have gotten. Why????

She comes back with our complimentary post card and some actual prints. She’s trying to sell us these and I’m mortified. I like the one where’s he’s kissing me because I’m leaned back. Did anyone else just have the lyrics to Lean Back run through their head?? Sorry. Anyways, the other picture was not good. I was not leaned back, and I had multiple chins. You can keep that. Burn it even.

The ride home was rather long and somewhat quieter, although we still felt the need to play read that sign coming out of there. And I had big plans of a new blog post once we got home. But when we got here I thought about our day and how long it had been. And I was just way too tired to write or think or anything else.

But even though it was a long day, it was great and much needed. We don’t get alot of time together and I cherish every minute we do get. I am a lucky girl. He’s my handsome bearded beast and there isn’t anything he won’t try to make happen if he knows I want it.

Make time for random road trips ya’ll. Just take off and go. Make memories. Spend time with your people. We aren’t promised tomorrow and God gave us these places and these people for a reason. Make the most of it while you can.

I started trying to read blog examples and searching for great blogging topics and I just had to stop. I cant make myself follow an example or write about the great blog topic of finances. Yall do not want me giving advice on finances 🤑💰🤣

Truth be told I’m so random I may be talking to someone about a serious matter and out of nowhere a thought enters my head and I have to ask, “Who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off??” And that’s a true story. Happened not to long ago, and was investigated so now I know😎

Anyways, love has been on my mind for quite some time now. There are so many definitions for it. I love so many people in so many different ways that if I think about it too much I hear sirens and see smoke..brain overload!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us all the things love is and isn’t and that it never fails. But it that all there is too it? Is it more than a feeling. Oh you better believe it. It’s a full time job with alot of overtime hours 😬

Someone near and dear to my heart defined it to me today in a way I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. She said “Loving someone is seeing the bad and choosing them still every single time. It’s sacrificing what you think to love them. It’s being there always. It’s never letting them feel even for a moment that they aren’t enough just the way they are.”

I can read those 4 sentences and know that I have failed to do all that many times. Sometimes it’s just easy to walk away when it gets tough. It can be hard to see the bad and then look past it and remember that this is someone you love. And I know I can be pretty blunt and come across rather cold, so I know I’ve probably made people feel less than enough. And give up my way of thinking just because I love someone. Pft..unheard of. So ya, she got me with those 4 lines.

If we all loved people the way we are loved by Jesus can you even imagine what a world this would be?

And what about people that think they don’t need Jesus to love?? Relationships/marriages with no Jesus are doomed. Doomed, I tell ya. Yall may laugh at me and be like “I been married for half my life and aint had Jesus at the center and we gettin along just fine”. That’s where my thoughts have lingered. I guess it’s true people get married and live long so-called happy lives and never pray or pick up a Bible or set foot in a church. But I still say it was a doomed marriage. One that only managed to survive.

There’s a difference in surviving and thriving. Read that again.

Just because you manage to grow old and gray together and you got some cute front porch rocking chairs you think you made it. You didn’t. If you dont water a garden it won’t grow. If you dont put that tightly packed dollar tree wash cloth in a bowl of water it will remain a rough fuzzy square.

Relationships without Jesus are like a round pizza in a square box. It just dont even make sense. ❤❤

I cannot honestly say I know what I’m doing here. I just wanted to do …something. If that makes sense to anyone. My name is Tanya Marie “goomba” Armstrong Brown, soon to be Belew. Because that’s the last name of my smoking hot fiancé. I am a preachers kid, and proud of it. Raised up under that Pentecostal 🔥 🙌🏻. Oh, the life of a preachers kid. That’s a story for another day. I have this terribly cute 16 year old son. Hes mama’s baby 😍. I have made so many mistakes in my…🤫 41 ..years. my life be like 🤪🤯😵. Hopefully some of my stories will give some insight, some hope, maybe some laughter to some people out there in this world that gets a little crazier everyday. So, for now..that is all. Much love ❤❤